Impact player- Somebody who turns up ten minutes into the game and makes an immediate impression on it, mainly because nobody is quite sure who he is or where he’s come from, and feel it easier and more polite to let him have an uncontested spell of possession to gauge which team he’s supposed to be playing on, rather than just asking him.

Jostle- A scrappy little passage of play down by the corner, with the ball ricocheting continually between attacker’s shin, defender’s shin and the board around the court, as all three grasp on to each other like doomed shipwreck victims clinging impotently to decking. The simple pass off the board to the keeper is an option largely unconsidered by most defenders- it may well be the most sensible thing to do, but it is also the most cowardly.

Kick about- The strained period of bonding before the game, with players spraying the ball in all directions for an indeterminate amount of time, waiting for somebody to take the initiative and start working out teams. At this early stage, alpha male status is yours to grab. An assertive scooping of the ball, a firm ‘Right, come on then,’ and all that’s left is to bask in your newly found position of peer authority. How long this last depends on how you react to the first strong tackle put in on you- tearing up and complaining that “there’s no need for that; I thought we were meant to be a friends” will quickly see you relegated back into the pack.

Listlessness- Five minutes before the end, with the players waiting to come on after you huddled impatiently by the door, a marked lack of interest sweeps around the court, imparting itself upon everybody bar the most enthusiastic and tediously athletic types. Passes go misplaced, tackles are non-existent. Passes were going misplaced and tackles were non-existent in the previous fifty five minutes too, we should note. But at least then there was a genuine competitive spirit which meant those moments were genuinely frustrating. In the last five minutes all anybody can muster is a theatrical cluck of pretend irritation as the ball scampers away from them, and the odd sneaky glance at their watch. If there isn’t anybody outside waiting to come on next you are left with the horrifying prospect of playing on for appearance’s sake until somebody else suggests leaving. It’s like when the nurses don’t come round to inform you visiting times are over, and you have to pretend to have A) Not noticed, or B) Noticed, but been really pleased about it.

Membership- You will need one of these to book over the phone, as, in the past, several leisure centres have been forced into closure by rogue and membership card-less gangs of criminals scattering bookings across the nation’s five a side courts, which they then proceed to not honour. It’s actually what they eventually ended up getting Al Capone on.

Next goal the winner- A complete abnegation of all that has went before. Some have noted that in may be easier, going forward, to simply keep a mental track of the score, adjusting it accordingly as the game progresses. Like, you know, like they do in real football. But that would be all but impossible to referee in five a side, where players have been known to casually subtract a few goals from the opposition’s tally and carry them over to their own without blinking an eye or even announcing it to anybody else.

Offside- This rule is naturally not applicable in five a side, just as it was never applicable to Arsenal when Thierry Henry played for them. But as many on the court try to emulate to Henry’s finishing, his footwork and, when they think nobody’s looking, his prowess with a palm, so others try to emulate the flailing defenders so often left in his wake, putting up their arms in a curious mix of desperation and haplessness, appealing for the enforcement of a rule that doesn’t even exist.

Post match analysis- This segment of the day can prove just as troublesome and divisive as the game itself. As disparate groups split- often, as testament to how little they know each other, with nothing more than a gruff ‘good game, lads’-, you will immediately be presented with the dilemma of wanting to bring up your best bits to friends but in as casual a way as possible. For their part, your friends will do everything in their power to not remember at all the time when you drifted inside the defender before unleashing an unstoppable thunderbolt into the top corner. But they will, happily, be capable of ably recalling the moment you trod at the ball with only the goalkeeper to beat. Such tricks of memory will lead to your post match pint being offset by dark, brooding introspection.

Click here to read the Part One of the Guide

Read more of Chris’ blogs at his excellent site ‘Partially Deflated’